Connection Versus Chemistry

How do you generate something more?

You know those times when you feel so alive, when your eyes shine as you look out into the world, as your body seems to zing with desire and vitality and juiciness and your cells are literally dancing with passion and excitement? You feel blissed out, pity for the rest of the world that they have not experienced the utter pleasure that is coursing through your veins, and you know that you will feel like this till your dying breath.

It’s a wonderful thing chemistry; thank heaven for its existence because you are only here on the planet because of it!

When we meet, our senses perceive a massive amount of information about the other person – we take in the symmetry of their face, their body proportions, their physiology, the subtle smell exuded by their skin, the color of their eyes, the size of their hips. Every feature in fact, to see if it is dissimilar enough to our own to biologically pair off with them successfully. Romantic? Unfortunately no, but as already stated, it is all about survival of the species.

Body chemistry only heightens the desire for each other – it gives you regular doses of dopamine, like cocaine; the response it creates suppresses your appetite, gives you palpitations, raises your breathing rate, arouses hyperactivity, encourages sleeplessness and an inability to think, and boosts your energy. That’s the effect of dopamine and testosterone rushing around the body – your sex drive goes up, your blood pressure changes and before you know it, you’ve “fallen in love.”

After orgasm, a woman’s body is flooded with oxytocin from three days to three weeks which binds her to her lover for that time – biologically again it was a necessity to ensure that she didn’t mate with someone else. This is also the chemical that surges through her body when she is breast-feeding her baby. For a man, when he has ejaculated, he gets a surge of vasopressin which temporarily depresses his sex drive. The more attached he is to his family and partner, the less testosterone he has, and when he holds his baby and he is in his caring and parental role, it also gets suppressed. How clever is nature! And the more he feels his needs are being met, the lower his sex-drive so he doesn’t need to look elsewhere.

Choices change when we get older, as biologically we are no longer tied to that primal instinct to procreate where we unconsciously look for the parent for our future children, so in a long-term relationship, this can deepen into a more mature and deeply satisfying and erotic love.

So where does passion end and love begin? Do you know that trust, honor and vulnerability are so much more important than immediate sexual chemistry? These qualities in themselves have the ability to enhance our attraction and steadfastness, and our willingness to surrender to sexual ecstasy both in and out of the bedroom. Chemistry can dissipate fast, but when you bring these other qualities into a relationship, you can easily rekindle it and deepen the connection.

Chemistry is created through all our senses – our sight, our hearing, touch, smell and taste, and also through the use of language which sends stimulating messages around our brain and into our physiology and our cells. Your physiology, the way you move and hold your body, creates chemistry too.

These days we are so much more visually and audibly stimulated as we are literally bombarded by pictures and language all the time. With roughly 60,000 thoughts per second, we can very quickly be distracted and overwhelmed by what is happening, yet we have the power to consciously enhance and deepen our connection with our partner by the way we think.

When we get stressed we tend to run our old reactive patterns of behavior with hidden unconscious agendas and agreements with ourselves. It has been discovered that about 70 -85% of our memory of life is negative as the tendency is to continually think pessimistic thoughts. 15 - 30% of our memory is good but we so often remember that one bad event and it clouds our judgment of life – for example, we may receive many lovely compliments but always remember the one bad comment.

You know that poor internal beliefs create negative actions, which install negative results. People surrender to their past and allow it to define them. The option is to use it as springboard to create a magnificent experience of life. Which will you choose?

So when you start to use language in a more positive way, you actually change your physiological response. If you want to heighten sensual pleasure through language, feel in your body how the cells sit up and take notice when you use these following words: Passion, courage, manifest, guided, purpose, empower, confidence, dynamic, desire, commitment, unleashed, encourage, appreciate, fulfilled, freedom, vitality, determined, trust, inspire, outstanding, acknowledge, happy, dreams, radiate, faith, romance, love, gratitude, grow, believe, world-class, focus. Some will propel you forwards into life, others will soften and relax you into a feeling of being nurtured and cared for.

Imagine how your connection with someone else will change when you start to employ these everyday words into your vocabulary. Psychology and chemistry really do support this as you literally incorporate or put into your body a new way of being. Ban other words such as “But” “Should” “Can’t.” The word “How” sends the brain off to look for logical answers rather than using intuition, and the word “Try” sends the brain into effort mode and completely scrambles it as there is no such thing as try. “Why” will drive your mind off on a search and will take you out of the present moment, always looking for an answer.

Lust rather than love?

How do you know whether this chemistry is going to be sufficient to take you into a mutually enhancing deeper connection? When you learn to live more in the present moment rather than the negativity of past experiences, your body can start to function at its highest level through instinct and intuition. If a particular connection with someone isn’t what you’d love to have in your life, and the person is not willing to get past their own baggage that they bring of resentment and upset, it’s time to leave.

Connection is a deeper spiritual aspect that embraces chemistry. So the way to tell if this connection has real potential, if the lust can turn to love, is to ask your body what it needs and can this person provide that? When you are really tuned in, your body will respond with its knowing, and you will have your answer. If you don’t like, desire and enjoy your partner’s body, their shape, size, smell and taste, and he or she doesn’t like yours, your intimate relationship is doomed long-term – take note here, this is really important!

When lovers stop honoring each other’s values, they invalidate each other and start looking around elsewhere. So what makes a relationship transform from being chemistry and connection into something much deeper – into communion?

The confines of our reality are based on judgment which creates separation. If you want to have communion with anyone, you have to give up judgment as a source of creation. The moment you judge, you are not present – whether you are judging something or someone to be good or bad. You go into auto pilot which in turn creates barriers, separation and distance. Often this is a response mechanism that we employ in order to feel safe. The problem is when we judge, we actually cease to be. Instead you could be interested and open to see someone else’s point of view of the world – you can choose at any moment to feel good or not, choose to be there or move away, choose to enjoy or choose to not get involved. It is always a matter of choice as to how you respond.

Communion is the place we get to in nature. If you want to feel what that is like, go out into nature where it is expansive, peaceful, joyful and full of possibility. This is what we are all looking for ultimately in our intimate relationships. Communion is where there is healing energy, nurturing, caring, where it is creative, expansive, joyful, orgasmic, fun. It is non-judgmental, inclusive not exclusive, where there is no abuse or disqualification in any form. But in order to experience it, you need to first have communion with yourself.

When did you last feel a sense of exuberance within your body, gratitude for being you? A sense of total joy and peace, perceiving the greatness that’s possible and gratitude for everything you were experiencing without any barriers?

Next time you have a bath or a shower, send loving energy from your heart down into your hands as you caress your skin. Be grateful for every part of your body, for the incredible work it does without you even having to think. Thank your limbs, your organs, your senses, your sex, from the top of your head down to the tips of your fingers and toes, the parts you can see and those which are invisible to you. Feel your body respond as at last you start to honor it for its magnificence, with no judgment, no comparisons, no opinions, just pure loving gratitude. Revel in its ability to move, to digest, to breathe, to make love, to feel, to create, to enjoy. Start to admire your body, this temple that is home to your spirit, that part of you that yearns to be accepted and listened to. Learn to enjoy every cell, every atom, every molecule, and marvel at the changes it brings.

When you take this communion with yourself out into the world, your whole life and your relationships will dramatically transform. Feel the possibilities, and go live them!



© copyright www.alovingspace.com 2008