Love The One You're With

 Women in particular have an incredible knack of falling in love with a man’s potential, and believing that with sufficient love they will turn him around and they will live happily ever after. The truth is, that is a terrible burden to put on anyone because as you will read in the article on Values, people always live according to their own values, not someone else’s. Unless your partner wishes to change their model of the world, in other words if the way they are choosing to live their life is not working for them and they are willing to do something different, you cannot coerce or force someone to change what they have based their life and beliefs on just to satisfy you. 

When we first meet someone and during that initial heady phase of falling in love, we see each other as our true selves, with no conditioning, no programs, no limitations. We see the beauty and the splendor, the magnificence and the treasure that is within that person, and we long to hold that image of them in our hearts forever. That becomes the standard by which we expect them to live, but the harsh reality is that when other factors come into play, the day to day existence, it is difficult to hold to those ideals 24 hours a day. The temptation is to rush in and try to alter their behavior, to heal their hurt, to try and make up for all the things they lacked in order to change them to match our view of perfection that we so desire ... and being so bitterly disappointed when it fails to materialize.

I have heard women say of gay men “If I love them enough, I am sure I can be the one to turn them around.” I have heard people make excuses for their partner’s behavior – “It is because they had a difficult childhood,” but it is not about being their therapist or their coach. You have to love someone exactly as they are because there are no guarantees that they will ever change to suit you. We focus on the other person changing rather than allowing them to simply be who they are. The problem here is that we are not actually seeing the person as they are – we are seeing them through the illusion of how we wish them to be. We disqualify them by setting our standards up for them to fail at, and dishonor their choices in life.

What is a relationship really for? In physics, a relationship is the distance between objects – so that is what we always have – distance. How about instead, having connection and communion both of body and soul? It is what we all yearn for since babyhood. Some people say they are waiting for love – how about instead making love happen and practice with who is in front of you right now? If you can’t accept the person for exactly who they are, right here, right now, then this is not a relationship to stay in.

We often choose unconsciousness as an easy way out, but here and now, this is about conscious awareness and becoming more aware of the choices we make moment by moment.

For a real lasting life-long relationship of love and passion, there has to be a depth to it, and strong foundations to withstand the inevitable challenges that life throws at us. It’s time to make relationships conscious in a healthy way.

So often it seems that we are attracted to someone whose life holds the elements which we need to deal with ourselves – in other words those parts of us that we have failed to acknowledge, and need to either mend and heal, or claim as ours so we start to value and treasure the wholeness of who we really are. The truth though is that whatever elements they have in them, beautiful or ugly, are those which we also have inside us. He or she becomes a mirror through which we can view our own life.

Our relationships are a reflection of beliefs which are essentially illusions. When we view our connections with people through that illusory perspective, those connections mirror back to us what we expect to see. A person becomes who we expect them to be – expect selfishness and that is what you will get, because that is what you will notice. Expect anger and that is also what you will find.

When you expect perfection, you will always be disappointed – that is one of the joys of being human, that we are all perfectly imperfect. Being open to life means you can be satisfied with a lot or little and take what life gives you.

Make a commitment to be open and honest with one another – difficult though it might feel, you need to overcome the fear of losing the relationship because of the honesty. Being honest is about talking the truth about ONESELF, not about judging the other person. Be in allowance of who the other person is – you have a choice to either do that or rather than complain, let them know that you find their behavior doesn’t work for you and see if you can come up together with something that enhances the growth of your connection. If you continue just to tolerate behavior it will lead to contempt and nagging. You must be upfront as they may not be aware that their behavior is driving you mad. Alternatively, if it is so bad you may have to reject the behavior and leave.

Love the person as they are today in this moment – if you think that “when he/she does this” or “when he/she changes then they will be great” you are setting yourself up for disaster. Don’t choose for potential, choose because you love them now as they are. Then let them evolve naturally through the power of your love.

It is possible to convert those illusions to lasting love. Look for the good in the other, ignore the bad bits – focus on what you love about the person, and grow them like a gardener watering and fertilizing the flowers. When the other person is accepted and enjoyed as they are, and when they don’t feel they have to constantly defend themselves, they usually will go out of their way to make you happy.

Look at your partner with awe and wonder at how different they are from you, how unique, and see what they can bring to your life, how they can help you see life from a different perspective, how it can open your eyes to more, because you will have attracted them into your life for some reason. Why not enjoy it?

Lovers don’t try and find each other; they are in each other all along.


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Next: Connection Versus Chemistry