Will The Real You Please Stand Up

It’s human nature to be anxious when we find ourselves alone. Sometimes we feel it with an almost overpowering intensity, that deep primal need to find someone with whom to share our life. With a world overflowing with people, it seems almost unthinkable that we will not find “The One”, but with our rampant imagination, and after disappointments, separations and broken relationships, it is all too easy to fantasize that we will always be on our own. Have you ever caught yourself doing that?

And so when we turn up for a date, we arrive either with hopes and unrealistic expectations, dreams and desires that perhaps this person may be the one we have searched for all our life, and that this time it is going to be different; with desperation, or despondently wondering whether it is all worth the effort yet again.

Looking at nature, it is usually the male who flamboyantly displays his wares, trying to woo the female of the species as he preens his body and makes himself look and sound irresistible. He is aware that it is the female who does the actual choosing in the end as she sizes him up for suitability as her mate. So too as human beings, whether male or female, we put on our best display to be admired for all our good attributes.

But in the human realm, we are able to manipulate and be manipulated for love. We have more tactics at our finger tips: material goods, status, our profession, money, clothing, make-up and artificial scents which over-ride instinct and intuition. We aim to be on our best behavior, enhancing our best features in order to attract the other, sometimes even faking an interest in the other person’s world in order to be acceptable, admired and liked. What happens very often therefore is that you show up as someone you are NOT in order to fit in to society’s ideals, hiding the authentic you behind what you think would be suitable and desirable.

I’m sure this won’t apply to you, but it’s not unusual to relinquish who you really are in order to prove that you’re ok, as you pretend to be what you think the other wants.

There is often a fear lurking inside that says “If I tell him this…or if I show her that part of my nature…she won’t like me” and “If they find out who I really am, they won’t love me.” Or we feel that if we show our true self with all our emotions and who we are inside it will scare them off. We get frightened of the real us, of allowing the other person a true glimpse into our own world in case they judge us as boring or weird, whacky or just “sad”.

Sometimes we try a little too hard, or love a little too intensely, which gets in the way of the other person seeing the REAL YOU. Sometimes we even run away, and lose the opportunity. People tell the drama of their story over and over again thinking that’s who they are, but you are not your story. All the heartbreak and pain (which no-one on earth escapes at some level or other) the misery, the failed relationships, is not who you are – that is your history, but not the real you. You are the person who has won through your story with all your courage and skills and attributes, otherwise you wouldn’t even be here to tell your tale! Can you recognize that in yourself?

We’ve been so programmed by the media, by fashion and by society to be like other people, but you are wonderfully unique. The real you is the one that can put the “baggage” of misery and your story where it firmly belongs – in the past – and allow your talents and abilities, your humor, your creativity, your love, strength and potency of Life to emerge, to open to the unlimited possibilities of the future. There is so much more to each of us than we often dare to show.

We all have inside us a deep desire to be loved and accepted for who we really are – to be truly seen and appreciated, warts and all, to be loved not despite who we are, but because of who we are. As one recent film put it – “To have someone witness our life”. And unless we dare to reveal the authenticity of who we really are, the cracks very soon begin to show as we can’t keep up the pretence for very long.

Men and women are looking for different things.

While men have been busily connecting to their more “feminine side,” at a primal level most women are still looking for a “masculine” man; at least, someone more masculine than she is! What turns a woman off most is a man who has no purpose in his life. Women’s true desire is for a beautiful relationship and to be at peace with who they are.

Real men take responsibility, and you can feel it. Men need to be certain about themselves – the more the man gives the woman certainty about himself, the more she can relax into her femininity. If a woman can feel at ease with a man, she can open the doors to who she really is and show what’s inside without being weak. So if you’re a guy, how much are you living your true purpose, and how certain are you in yourself?

Over the last couple of decades, women have learned how to get into achievement mode and don’t know how to get into the feelings of a balanced relationship, so when she turns up, she will often recount her achievements in her masculine energy, whereas if she turns up being who she really is in her feminine, she will appeal to a masculine man. Men are built to look around and say “Where can I go to be with something or someone that I can help?” His primal desire is to have someone to nurture and support him and his vision. His purpose is to look after his kingdom and his woman, but if she is so self-sufficient, he won’t feel needed for his strength or ability to solve problems.

Being feminine as a woman is not weak or needy because vulnerability is not neediness. However, what turns a man off most is a woman being in fear and doing the “I’m just a worthless bit of junk” bit. So if you’re a girl, are you in masculine mode or feminine mode? Are you dumping your story, or are you showing your true colors? What are the results you’re getting?

Do you know who you really are?

Socrates said some 2,500 years ago “Know Thyself” and it is possibly even more important today than it was then, as we have so many more distractions to take us away from finding out. Be willing to investigate, because wherever you go, you take YOU with you. Or have you been so busy dancing to someone else’s tune that you don’t know who you are or what you have to offer?

If you have no interests, no motivation, no lust and passion for anything, go out and experience life before you try and share it with someone else. Be interesting and interested – be worth getting to know. Get your creative juices flowing, explore some new hobbies, find something that inspires you enough to make you jump out of bed in the morning. If you’re always glued to rubbishy programs on TV or surfing the net or playing computer games, you will not have sufficient time to share with another human being, and if you are totally in your head all the time, you will be unable to connect at heart level.

Make a list of 10 things you’d like to do and go do them! And over time, increase that list to 100 things to expand your life, then you will have something worthwhile to share with someone else. They don’t need to be expensive or record-breaking achievements. They can be tiny things that just make your heart sing.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Become the type of person you would like to get to know! If you don’t get better, stronger and happier in yourself, you have nothing to bring to a relationship.

Ask yourself the following questions, and I suggest you write down the answers, because if you do them in your head it just becomes an intellectual exercise. This is about connecting with your real self which is heart-centred, not head-centred.

What does my heart truly desire?
What would I love to be able to do?
What hidden talents am I not revealing?
What fascinated and enthralled me as a child?
What is my life truly about? What am I here for?
What is it I really would love to achieve in my lifetime?
If time and money were of no consequence, what would I do in my life?
What would get me out of bed in the morning with passion and drive?
If I had the opportunity to leave a legacy for future generations, what would it be?

Can you see how much more there could be to your life when you ask yourself these questions? The thing is, when you open up and start to reveal your true self with all your passions and desires and hopes and dreams and possibilities, it gives other people the opportunity and permission to do the same. You no longer have to be a master of disguise – you no longer have to keep pretending you are less than you are or more than you are. You don’t have to be perfect – you can allow yourself to be perfectly imperfect, and therefore much easier to relate to.

Start claiming the magnificence of who you really are, and you will draw into your life a magnificent partner. You can then take the real you into your relationship and, between you, generate something truly inspirational.

How would it be therefore if you could turn up on your date actually trusting in your true self and in Life? What has to happen for you to take the risk and let the other person see more of the authentic you?

And if it’s not the right person ………NEXT!


© copyright www.alovingspace.com 2008

Next: Love The One You're With