Selection Selection Selection

Are you fed up with finding who you think is the right person and then spending months or even years trying to make your relationship work? Do you turn down lots of potential partners for fear that he or she may not be the right one? Or do you just dip your toe in the water and then pull out before you go in too deep?

Most of us are not very good at using our common sense (sense is not common!) when we select a partner. When you spend some time discovering what you really need and desire before you start dating or when you have met someone, you can save yourself years of heartache, and create a wonderful long-term relationship.

When buying a house, we have had drilled into us those familiar words “Location, Location, Location.” Finding a partner is, in a way, a little bit similar - it is all about “Selection, Selection, Selection!” Much as you wouldn’t rush into buying the first house you see just because you fancy it at first glance, it is even more important to not rush into relationship with someone just because you fancy him or her at first glance. Yet that is often what we do, and then hold onto the relationship like grim death for fear of losing it and in order to prove, to ourselves as well as to others, that we have made the right choice – only to regret it at a later stage. We need time to make sure the foundations are suitably strong and weather-proof before we build on top.

It is easy too to be seduced by the magic of chemistry between two people which permeates every waking moment, swept away by the hormonal dance, before finding out the truth about who this person really is and what they are all about. By then it may be too late and you’ve shared your most intimate self with them and opened your heart.

Let me tell you, if you keep doing things the way you’ve always done, you’ll get the same results you’ve always had. Do you want a better result? Do you really want to know the secrets of successful selection? Are you ready for things to be different in your love life? Because 95% of relationship success is due to the quality of your selection!

Let’s just have a quick look at the way we function. We have not really evolved all that much since caveman times, when men went out to hunt and women stayed in the meadows to pick berries and fruit, look after the fire and the children, and keep the cave clean. Our animal instincts are still the same – when woman looks at man, unbeknown to either of them, she unconsciously scans and monitors his stature, his strength, his posture, his smell, his hormones, his genetic suitability, his ability to provide, and decides (again at an unconscious level) whether this man would be a suitable father for her children. It is nature’s way of continuing the species. The male in turn unbeknown to him, unconsciously assesses a woman’s bone structure, her hips, breasts, teeth, hands and feet to see if she is capable of being mother to his offspring.

Our sense of sight, hearing, touch, smell, taste and intuition are incredibly sensitive, but in our modern day world we are bombarded with so many bits of information every second that we fail to take much notice of the messages they are giving us - to our absolute peril. Undermined by the use of artificial scents like after-shave, perfume, deodorant, breath freshener, and by fashion and technology, our senses get deceived. These senses are like our satellite navigation system, and so when we over-ride them with what society tells us we are supposed to think, and how we are supposed to behave, we often make bad choices as to what we put into our body and who we share it with! Have you ever had that experience?

Nature does its best to choose for us the same way as it does in the jungle to ensure the best possible genetic outcome. When you look at the way animals select their mates, it can be a very arduous affair for the male of the species as he has to prove his worth and his prowess before the female will even glance at him. Look at the dance of the peacock, and the extraordinary rituals of other birds and animals in order to win a mate. There is a particular squid which goes through a ritual of changing color 300 times in order to attract his mate, and a bird called the blue booby which flashes its blue feet to attract his lady. In the end it is all down to the female as to whether she will accept him or not.

With somewhat different criteria, as humans when we fail to listen to what our true intuition and our life is telling us we make costly mistakes. When you make the wrong selection, you change the course of your destiny. If you use the usual superficial selection techniques, such as proximity, looks or material success, chances are you will get painful results unless you are prepared to look at a deeper and more meaningful level. If neediness overrides want and desire, you will make a poor choice. With the right selection however, a relationship has the potential to be totally transforming and wonderful.

The truth is we can actually fall in love with almost anyone’s essence, their essential and higher self, but this does not necessarily make a sustainable or a wise long-term intimate day-to-day relationship with all its challenges in our modern world. Have you ever been on a personal development course or a spiritual course and found yourself totally engrossed in someone else’s amazing energy, where you feel transported to another level? But in the cold light of day, comes the realization that this person will not make a good or reliable partner. We need to find better ways of making our choice, rather than relying on spiritual attraction, sexual attraction or desperation, which sadly is where many people go wrong.

What Really Matters To You?

Without belittling the importance of this, if you were shopping for a great relationship, what would it consist of? Like buying a new house to live in, or a new car, you need to have some idea of what is really important to you. A relationship is not just about enjoying the same television programs or sharing the same hobbies – if it is to have any true staying power, it must go far, far deeper than that. It is about forging a deep and abiding intimacy, for without that a relationship will die.

Make a list of what is really important to you in a partner, in other words your MUST HAVE LIST.

e.g. trust, honesty, integrity, youthfulness, a non-smoker, educated, a sense of fun, sexiness, generosity, adventurous spirit etc

Now make a list of what you absolutely must NOT have in a partner, in other words your MUST NOT HAVE LIST

e.g. someone who is angry, rude, anti-social, a gambler, alcoholic, a reckless spender, someone who is desperately untidy, uncharitable, has poor hygiene etc.

Sometimes we can get so carried away with what we want - and indeed that may show up in someone - but if we don’t know what we don’t want, those parts may also show up in the same person.

The most important thing is to stick to your own values and not lower your standards to suit someone else. This is essential in the selection phase. Just because you really fancy someone or the connection feels very strong, remember how playful and distracting the hormones and chemicals in your body can be. Your standards are your standards, and while you need to be flexible rather than rigid, compassionate rather than judging, you also need discernment and awareness.

Who you choose to be with is precious. Who you choose to give your body to is precious. So if you wouldn’t give them your house-keys or your money, don’t give them your body! Men and women do actually want different things – most women want a beautiful, intimate and romantic relationship. Man’s desire is to have a woman to be there with him, know he is the greatest man on earth and to be able to cherish and care for her. Anything less than that, and we suffer deeply.

It’s important to select someone who will be good for your life – not just someone you will fit in with. The tendency is to give up so much of who you are and what you want to do in life to fit in with someone else’s life, instead of knowing who you are and how you choose to live. Have you done this?

To share your life with someone else and have someone share yours is a great privilege, so the questions that follow will really help you gain clarity. I really urge you to spend time on this exercise:

1. What Am I Like?
Your nature and how you show up is very important because there need to be some similarities in nature between you and your partner. While opposites can be very attractive and can generate a very successful and fulfilling relationship, there are certain aspects which need to be similar. So if you are kind, it is likely that you will want someone kind to be with. If you are family-oriented, to have someone who hates family life will not work. If you are sociable, to be with someone who is anti-social will cause distress. If you are oil and other person is water, a relationship will be constantly hard work.

2. What Do I Like Doing?
What you like doing is part of what makes you unique and special. Giving up important hobbies and pastimes and things you love to do for someone else is not selfless, it is compromise, and giving up what makes your heart sing and your spirit come out and play will do you no good. You may have heard someone say “If you really love me, you would give up ……………..(fill in the blank), but rather than being love this is manipulative and controlling, conditional and dependant on someone else’s rules. At some stage in the relationship, this will become a major problem as you realize that you are not being true to who you really are and what inspires and motivates you, whereas if you find someone who either shares your pastimes or actively encourages you to continue because it makes you happy, that is truly life-enhancing.

3. How Do I Like To Live My Life?
Slightly different from the previous question, imagine if you are a fresh-air fiend who loves to be in the countryside, and the person you choose is a city bird? If you want to live in the Caribbean and your partner wants to spend most of the winter on the ski slopes? If you love entertaining and your partner doesn’t like anyone visiting? If you love to travel and you meet someone who hates flying? If you have to have the window open at night, and they have to have it closed? If you love to learn and explore and open your mind, and they insist on watching all the soaps on TV? If you love the sea and they hate water?

So how do you like to live your life? How would you like each day to be? Write out a vision of your ideal day with your partner or a day on your ideal holiday.

4. What Am I Looking For In My Partner?
This is a description about their character, of how they behave, how they are with you and with other people, what their values are, what makes them tick.

Someone who……… e.g. is good with children, respectful and kind to their mother, enjoys new experiences, gives time to charitable organizations, understands the value of money, puts health as a priority, is open to new adventures, has a positive outlook, someone who appreciates my sense of humor, who is supportive of me in my hobbies, passionate about life, who doesn’t need me but chooses to be with me, someone I can look up to that doesn’t need me to prop them up all the time, who likes to ….. etc. 

5. What Will They Be Like?
This is where you can put physical attributes, mental, emotional, sexual and spiritual attributes. This will also include the things you put on your MUST HAVE LIST. 

e.g. generous, loving, affectionate, playful, thoughtful, perceptive, humorous, trustworthy, spiritually tuned-in, tall, long hair, well-built, athletic, sexy, emotionally open, good communicator, happy etc.

Having completed these questions for yourself, you need to find out what the other person really wants in his or her life too, without sitting them down to take an exam! Their needs, desires, beliefs, values, rules and fears need to come out into the open so you can see whether or not it is a good fit.

Three Vital Questions
When you meet someone you like and start to get to know them, you need to ask yourself three vital questions:

1. Can they be in a great relationship? i.e. do they have the qualities needed to be intimate and loving and caring and everything you desire?

2. Will they do it? i.e. are they willing to do their part in creating an amazing relationship?

3. Will you be happy if they do it? i.e. they may be willing and able, but is this the person you really want to be with?

The rest is up to you. You are the most important person in your life. If you are not happy, no-one around you can be happy. So in the end you have the power to choose. Choose wisely! Choose a person who thinks the world of you, who thinks that you are magic. And then the dream that you dare to dream really can come true!


© copyright www.alovingspace.com 2008