The 6 Human Needs

Actually what is going on is that every behavior, no matter what, is an attempt to meet that person’s individual needs in some way - and yes, you’re doing it too! Most couples inevitably experience conflict and misunderstanding in their intimate relationship, but once you understand your partner’s core needs, you will be able to go some way towards fulfilling them. And once you understand your own needs, be able to ask for them to be met with the help of your partner. In turn this will lead to a more conscious and enlightened relationship.

When you realize the importance of this, it also helps you to make a more conscious choice when selecting a partner, and also to realize why a previous relationship may not have been fulfilling.

Once our basic needs for shelter, food and survival are taken care of, there are six needs which we as humans all share according to Maslow, and these needs are crucial. They are Certainty; Uncertainty/Variety; Love and Connection; Significance; Growth; and Contribution. Without these being fulfilled at some level, we struggle through life and continually seek outside ourselves for more. Yet each need also has a shadow side to it which is also worth looking at. The vehicle we each choose is different, and we continue to operate that way until we feel good enough about ourselves so that we can choose an alternative way of behaving.

You will have a hierarchy as to which needs are most important for you as an individual, yet these are not set in stone; they may change and adapt as you go through life, as each one of those needs is met. As you may appreciate, you have far more chance of thriving as a couple if your top two needs are shared, than if they are totally opposite. Let’s explore this a little more and find out which are your top needs. As you read, ask yourself the following questions: If this is you, how is this behavior serving you? What need is it meeting?

Our first primary need is for Certainty, the ability to feel certain in advance as to what is likely to happen now and in the future. We are certain that tomorrow the sun will rise in the East, but apart from death and taxes, there seems very little certainty in life, so we adapt our behavior in order to try and achieve this feeling. With certainty comes a level of confidence as we learn how life works, as we are able to express ourselves more easily in the world and as we achieve our desires. Safety and security are very important, so people whose top priority is certainty will do everything in their power to ensure that very little changes - they will save money, work to a budget, make sure their pension is up to date, stay in the same job even if they hate it, never take risks, go on holiday to the same place each year, try to control everything, and may even stay in an unfulfilling relationship so as to not rock the boat.

However when that behavior is taken further, you may find that these are also the people who repeat the same habits day in day out, keep the house the same way either immaculately tidy or in organized chaos, keep the same haircut, same style of clothes as they’ve always worn, hate surprises, get thrown if their routine is disrupted in any way, and seldom step out of their comfort zone. Taken to extreme, this can become Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

So are you someone who values certainty above all else? Or do you know someone in your life who does? Rather than be judgmental about them, this is like a road map which helps you to understand that they operate in this way solely to fulfil this particular need; the more you can give them reassurance, the happier and more relaxed they will be. Without it, all their fears come up to the surface.

For some of us however, the downside of too much certainty is that we start to become bored, uncomfortable and stuck, because we need the opposite of certainty to provide stimulation to help us grow.

So the second human need is Uncertainty or Variety. This is where we can’t predict what is likely to happen, but if we don’t take new action, we are unable to move forward in life. This is where taking risks comes in, where we dare to challenge the status quo to create more excitement and variety which make life worthwhile, where we open ourselves to new experiences to bring out those extra qualities in ourselves. Flexibility is an important aspect, because someone who is flexible has far more chance of having an extraordinary quality of life and relationship.

When faced with a challenge, most people run back to the area they are most comfortable in so they don’t push themselves; but a combination of certainty and uncertainty generates growth as we search for answers in, as yet unknown and unchartered territory, where we explore who we have the possibility of becoming.

People who love uncertainty and variety are the risk-takers. These tend to be the entrepreneurs, the creative people, artists in different genres. They may play the stock market, challenge the elements with sailing, skiing or diving, change their jobs frequently, are willing to step right out of their comfort zone in order to enlarge their life. They are the people who often hate routine, who will argue just for the sake of it to see what will happen, who love surprises, who will go away on holiday on a whim without planning, who are spontaneous. They may be untidy and then enjoy blitzing the place and making it look fantastic, change the colour of their hair and style of clothes frequently, move furniture around in the house to break with conformity. With people who love uncertainty, when they have conquered a challenge, they become certain about it so have to stretch their boundaries even more to explore further, and this is where extreme sports and outrageous behaviors can come in.

The downside of uncertainty and variety is the inability to be happy with where one is. These people may find “settling down” and commitment somewhat of a challenge unless lots of variety is built in.

Who do you know who is like this? If this is your partner what can you do to help fulfil their need for variety? It doesn’t have to be extreme – you will be surprised what you can do to satisfy this need.

The 3rd human need is of love and connection.
Love nurtures us, it gives us peace and a sense of security, but most people on the planet have pain in this area. In terms of love we are ignorant and primitive. Although technologically advanced, even in this enlightened age we still cannot meet each other with depth in our eyes and contemplate the divinity in the eyes of each other naturally. We look without seeing. We have not yet reached inside the soul of the heart. This is the true goal of most people, to love and be loved, to be accepted and loved for who we really are with no conditions attached.

As a child, a little boy feels unconditional love when he is put on a pedestal by a woman (usually his mother), adored, treated as if he is fantastic and unstoppable. It’s a great feeling which as an adult he still desires. A baby girl feels safe, protected, cherished, and is given the feeling by her father or a father figure that he would die to protect her. These are still a woman’s core needs in this area of love, where she wants to feel safe and protected by her man.

At our core we all want to recreate the blissful carefree feeling of unconditional love we had as a baby. Most of us deep down inside seek a sense of belonging and being needed, a coming together and a sharing of life, a feeling of communion, while society seems to be creating disparity and separateness. Modern technology for all its brilliance and attempts at connecting us, seems to be driving us further and further away from that true sense of connection with another person. Even an argument can be a way to connect.

Until we are in the presence of someone, that connection is never really there. We need to be touched and caressed and held with heartfelt communication. We are taught to be distrustful of everyone, to criticize and pass judgement rather than appreciate and acknowledge people, so we become afraid of expressing what would fill the void and afraid of asking for the love we crave. Our friendships may be camaraderie or they may be love, but most people settle for connection rather than true love.

When you look around, you will start to see what people will do to get that feeling of love – it may be through words or cards or gifts or flowers or dinner or a massage or being told you are loved or being kissed, or speaking on the phone or emails. We do all sorts of things for love. But the way we feel loved differs from person to person and the way we express love differs from person to person. Someone I know used to iron her husband’s socks as an expression of love for him – do you think he cared or even noticed? So you need to find out what it is that makes your partner feel loved, and let your partner know what makes you feel loved – we are not mind-readers!

Women often need to be kissed and romanced and given gifts and the whole works in order to feel loved – but more special than that, they love to know that you have given some genuine thought towards them. That’s what makes their heart sing, that plus giving them full attention when you are with them. A man’s needs are far simpler – men like the freedom to go and do what makes them tick, be it watching football or motor racing, or watching boys’ films, then with that power and masculinity instilled in them, they are happy to come home to be the protector and be nurtured.

How specifically have you been meeting this need? Often we stay with a poor choice of relationship because we feel it is better than being on our own.

The 4th human need is that of significance – this is about being separate, being different from other people, the need to stand out in a crowd. We all know people who have a need to be significant – film stars, pop stars, divas, or it may be holding an important position in a company. We have all known people whose significance revolved around their status and on retirement have lost their exalted position and thereby the will to carry on, and often die early. Mothers who experience the empty nest syndrome feel they have lost their significance in the family.

Some people try to achieve significance by doing outrageous things, good or bad; at the extreme, a murderer has a need for significance, for their moment of fame. Others by being extraordinarily creative or artistic. However if we become too unique, we can become lonely as we don’t fit in, so we search for the next human need. Illness and pain can be a way of getting attention and getting that need for significance met. People will tear one another down to feel better about themselves rather than boosting each other up. Significance is often a search to feel worthy of love, to find a route to love; however, it often backfires. Someone who has had unresolved childhood issues can’t have love and connection – they need significance, so that then maybe the door will open to welcome love in.

If you feel worthy, there is always enough of you left to love someone else. Within a relationship if you don’t feel significant, and of sufficient importance to your partner, if you feel taken for granted or left behind, something in us dies, so love can’t flow.

The next 2 human needs are not so important for some people. Growth is for people like you who read to expand your knowledge, who learn new things to stretch beyond what you know, to become more, to unlock your limitless potential, who want to be the best they can be, those who seek coaching and mentoring to enhance their life skills. The shadow side of this is where people go to so many courses and do so much change work that they never feel sufficient unto themselves, constantly on the search for more, and fail to acknowledge that they are already enough. There is also the problem in a relationship when someone grows so much that they leave their partner behind.

The last human need is Contribution for those who want to give back to society, to those worse off, to charities – giving of their time, their skills, their energy, their money. Those who value contribution very highly are often those in the caring professions, but the shadow side of this is those who give of themselves so much that they become martyrs, or contribute from a sense of guilt.

So how can you make the most of this information?

• Find out what your hierarchy of needs is:
• Which is the most important to you?
• Where do you operate best from?
• What is your main motivation? What drives you most: love and connection, growth, contribution, certainty, variety or significance?
• What is your happiness worth to you?
• What is most important to your partner?

If you are not already in a relationship, the best combination would be to look for someone who shares the same top two human needs as you do, otherwise you will have a conflict of interests. Teach the other person how to give you what you need and find out how to help them get their needs met, opening new possibilities for your relationship.


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