Values

Your values are the way you choose to live your life, what you consider to be your highest priorities at any one time. Some people think that you have to have the same values as your partner in order to have a satisfying and fulfilling life, but what if that weren’t so? What if, by sharing identical values, your relationship would become dull and boring and stultified? The thing is, if you and your partner are identical, one of you doesn’t need to be there! However, it is very important that your values are linked and aligned, rather than conflicting.

The tendency is for us to project our values onto other people and expect them to live their life according to our same rules. Yet that doesn’t honor and respect who they are. You can’t expect someone else to live up to your values and fantasies, or you will always set yourself up for failure. The truth is, we all live according to our own values – not anyone else’s. You have to be true to who you are and allow the other person to be true to themself too, otherwise there will be no fulfilment in the relationship.

• When you find out exactly what your own values are, it becomes so much easier for you to make decisions and steer the course of your life. When you answer the questions below, you will discover what is truly important to you in life, and thereby where your values lie.
• How do you fill the space you are living in - your environment? You will fill it according to what is special to you – e.g. books, flowers, girly stuff, antiques, cups and trophies, family portraits, sports memorabilia.
• Where do you most focus your energy? There will be things you love to do which you will find the time and energy to focus on no matter how tired you are – it becomes a priority in your life over anything else.
• What do you spend your money on? Where the majority of your money goes is a clear indication of what you consider to be most important – is it on children, your home, clothes, food, health and fitness, pensions, adventure, entertainment, technology, education, personal development, the garden, sports?
• What do you pay attention to? If there is something on the news or on television or a conversation, what grabs your attention? Is it to do with finance, sport, health, music?
• What goes on in your head? What do you think about and day-dream about?
• What would you love to do if time were not an issue? What is your heart’s desire?
   

When you look at your answers, the pattern that emerges will show you where your priorities in life lie. Now look at the list of values which follows and select the top 10 which apply to your life a) as you actually live it and b) as you would really like to live it.

What are My Values?

Values are dynamic – some change, some remain for the whole of your life. So staying in touch with your personal values is an ongoing, lifelong process. There may be others you can add to the list along with your own definition of what they mean to you.

• ACHIEVEMENT (attaining goals, sense of accomplishment)
• ADVANCEMENT (progress, promotion)
• ADVENTURE (new and challenging experiences, taking risks)
• AESTHETICS/BEAUTY (appreciation for the beauty around you)
• AFFECTION (love, caring, fondness)
• COMPETITIVENESS (striving to win, being the best)
• CONTRIBUTION/SERVICE (contributing towards society)
• COOPERATION (collaboration, teamwork)
• CREATIVITY (being imaginative, inventive, original)
• ECONOMIC SECURITY (steady, adequate income)
• FAME (renown, distinction)
• FAMILY HAPPINESS (close relationships with family members)
• FREEDOM (independence, autonomy, liberty)
• FRIENDSHIIP (close relationships with others, rapport)
• HEALTHFULNESS (physical and mental well-being)
• INNER HARMONY (being at peace with yourself and others)
• INTEGRITY (honesty, sincerity, standing up for your beliefs)
• INTIMACY (closeness with another person)
• INVOLVEMENT (participating with and including others, belonging)
• JOY (joyfulness in the art of living)
• LEADERSHIP (leading others with strong convictions of integrity)
• LOVE (the feeling of what love is to you)
• LOYALTY (commitment, dedication, dependability)
• OPENNESS (being open to new ideas and change)
• ORDER (organized, structured, systematic)
• PASSION (constant desire to achieve better things in life)
• PERSONAL GROWTH (learning, strengthening, realizing potential)
• PLEASURE (fun, enjoyment, having a good time)
• POWER (influence, importance, authority)
• PRIVACY/SOLITUDE (to keep one’s own counsel and company)
• RECOGNITION (respect from others, acknowledgement)
• RISK-TAKING (ability to take risks in life)
• ROMANCE/MAGIC (creating a special way of being)
• SELF-RESPECT (belief in your own abilities, self-esteem)
• SENSUALITY (using the senses to the fullest)
• SPIRITUALITY (faith, strong spiritual and/or religious beliefs)
• TRUST (having the ability to put trust in the laws of the Universe)
• VITALITY (energy to achieve one’s goals)
• WEALTH (abundance, getting rich)
   

When you have your top 10, put them in order of priority for you. Now you will understand how your life shows up according to your own values. You need to be consciously living according to your highest values otherwise you will get sick if you are trying to live to someone else’s value system.

Your top values are usually those which you would love to realize or fulfil at an even greater level but they are not set in stone in this particular ranking order as life is continually changing and moving forwards. Those further down the list may either be unimportant to you right now, or may already be fulfilled so you no longer have to strive for them. Perhaps too, you will see what changes need to be made in order to align the way you live with your desires, because the hierarchy of your values (in other words the way you rank their importance) dictates your destiny as they move you towards or away from certain things in life.

Can you see that you can also change your destiny by altering your hierarchy of values?

That’s how important this is!

Other people will have different values and a different order of priority, but unless you understand and respect their values too, you won’t experience a profound connection in relationships with them. The temptation is to project your own values onto people, judging them as positive or negative, where you refuse to open your heart; when you do this, they can’t possibly live up to your conditions. We tend to notice all the differences, becoming blind to similarities, and start to punish them, but every value and attribute is neutral until someone has an opinion about it and judges it. There is nothing wrong in anyone else’s value system – it just may not align with yours.

How do you find out what someone else’s values are? Pay attention to what they say and do and how they live – it will be exactly according to their own values, so you can choose as to whether or not you can live with that. What someone talks about will always be in terms of their values, where they spend their time, their money and the way they live.

Their hierarchy of values (in other words, how they rank them in priority) determines how they filter their reality and environment – they will see opportunities accordingly which are all to do with their value system. So instead of being upset at how they live and trying to change them, learn how to see the world through your partner’s eyes and teach them how to see the world through your eyes, not so that you change who you are but so that you expand your version of the world. Focus on what you can do today to be caring, honor your partner’s values and your own and bring greater perceived value to both of you.

In order to expand and enrich your relationship, you need to learn how to link and align your values with theirs. It’s not important that you cherish the same things – it’s important that you find connections between your values and theirs. Be creative and link what you love with what they love, because you disqualify and dishonor someone if you resist what’s important for them – it develops distance and opposition. If your partner doesn’t perceive their values as being honored in the relationship, chances are they will leave. If you pay attention to your partner’s highest values, you are encouraging a greater depth and more fulfilling relationship.

Wisdom is honoring other peoples’ value systems, knowing they’re going to live by them anyway no matter what!


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