Compromise

In some languages, “com promis” means “with promise.” In the English language we have got used to the idea that compromise means to give up something, lose part of who you in order to accommodate a relationship. What if there was another way, one “with promise” that will enhance, enrich and expand a relationship rather than contract it?

Psychologists have discovered that well over 90% of people would rather have a BAD relationship than no relationship at all, and that many older people regret that they didn’t seek out and find the love of their life. That is a tragic statistic. Unfortunately we have very few role models of what a good relationship looks and feels like. There are plenty of OK relationships but it’s not enough. Wouldn’t you like things to be different, with a better quality of connection with your beloved?

We have a tradition of sustaining a relationship in pacts or buying love with actions – a sort of “You wash, I’ll dry,” arrangement, or only keeping going because you have something to lose. This can reach such unbearable proportions, that eventually one partner wants to run away.

It is not unheard of for people to construct a relationship out of reciprocal frustration and hurt – “I connect with you as you’ve been hurt like me,” but two hurts don’t make for happiness; they just prolong misery.

So how would it be if you get happy first and bring that to the relationship so there is no neediness here? Can you imagine instead being able to truthfully feel and say: “I want to be with YOU, I choose YOU?”

Because so often people have a fear that they are not enough, they compromise what they truly desire from life and from love and they settle for less. As a child, you may have experienced your joy, curiosity, enthusiasm, vivacity, your talents and abilities as being perceived by your family as too much, too loud, an annoyance or even a threat. You may have been hypersensitive and overwhelmed by all you were perceiving, so you began to shut off and shut down who you actually were. Do you remember doing this, even if just a tiny bit? Sadly then we take this lesser part of who we are into our relationships, fearful of being judged for the exuberance we once had.

But do you know, you don't have to resist and react as you did as a child, and you don't have to stop being you just because others want you to stay in the box they have always put you in. Beware of the role you have cast yourself in because it can make you into someone you are not!

As children we have been brought up with fairy tales of giving up everything for love, but that way lies victimhood and martyrdom - not very attractive qualities. Love poetry throughout the ages has taught us that you have to renounce, denounce and relinquish everything for your love, as if it makes you more love-worthy, more genuine, more passionate, more devoted as a lover – yet what does that leave you with? A shadow of your former self, lacking in lust and passion for life as you have given away part of who you are. Even our love songs seem full of misery and rarely fill us with happiness. “I’ll give up everything I really want in life for you, and you do the same for me and we’ll be frustrated together.” “If you love me, make sacrifices for me.” “Give up your dancing, Give up your mountain climbing, give up your passions for me to prove you love me.” Moral heritage says this is proof of love but it is repression! This is not love – this is conditional love, sacrifice and manipulation; purely a mind-set you have been taught. If you follow this way of being, it will kill your identity.

Have you ever done this, given up things you absolutely love to do, things that make you so full of joy, in order to be accepted? Women in particular tend to compromise their desires by over-caring. On the other hand, have you ever asked someone to give up who they are and what they love to do to fit in with you?

The problem here is that you then fail to take who you really are into the partnership, thus depriving not only yourself but your partner too of the joy and pleasure of what inspires you and makes you the person that you are. Remember, if they can’t handle who you are, they have the choice to go elsewhere. We are always at choice!

Naturally, all relationships require flexibility and fluidity, adaptability and reciprocation; being open to the other person and letting go of rigidity in the way you think and behave opens doors for love to flow. You know there are behaviors as a single person that may have to change in order to create a relationship that can blossom, but what is it you have to give up? What if you only had to give up all the things that make you unfulfilled at your core, all the limitations in your mind and the old habits that hold you back from opening up to express yourself in the most joyful of ways?

What are your ideals in your relationship? How would you really like it to be? It is really important for your own health and the health of the relationship that you know what this looks like, feels like and sounds like. You see, if you feel you have to give up who you are, you will start to breed resentment, which at some stage will have no option but to rear its head and be heard. If you want to be generous, you have to be in touch with your desires. If you try to be wonderful for another person while depriving yourself, it’s no use. It becomes a poor gift for the other, transforming your contribution into anger and resentment as there is no gratitude there – “Here is my pain, my frustration, here are my limits.”

Your Best Gift For Me Is When You Are Happy.

Your best gift for me is when you are happy. Interestingly this particularly applies to a man if he feels he has contributed to a woman’s happiness – a man loves to see a woman smile, loves to make her happy, and when she is unhappy, feels it is often his fault and he has to do something to rectify the problem.

Let go of your EXPECTATIONS of yourself, and others for the relationship. Let go of worrying about "fitting in", and what other people think of you. If you are willing to be disapproved of, you have so much more choice!

What can you contribute to a relationship without sacrificing YOU? What can you bring to it? Bring the best of who you are to it.

If you love me be happy for me.

Give me your happiness, not your frustration.

What does the real you love to do that lights you up, that makes you laugh, draws out your kindness, happiness and joy? Paucity of spirit is linked to paucity in relationship, and there is nothing worse than meanness. Humor, spontaneity and vulnerability are so important here – without them, there is no vitality in the partnership.

What has to happen for you to really enjoy your life? Figure out what you require to make you happy – if dancing or painting make you happy and bring out the best in you, why would you give it up in the so-called name of love? And make your choices from that point. Giving up who you are is not love. If YOU can't be YOU, you have to go somewhere where you don't exist. That is the place of addiction, where you allow something or someone else to take over and you don't have to BE.

Let go of your JUDGMENTS of everyone, including yourself. What anyone else is choosing is just an interesting point of view.

What would bring more joy into this relationship?

You have choice and you can create and generate anything you desire from this match. What if your relationship were one of joy and growth?

Powerful Questions to Ask Yourself

What am I actually expected to be or do? Does that work for me? What would work for me? What nourishes me? What would be fun for me? What would I like more of in my life?

When you make sure you are doing the things you like, it makes some of the day-to- day things that you have to do so much more tolerable, and you more enjoyable company.

Ensure that you make time for the things you do that nourish you. This may be exercise, or photography, playing football or horseback riding, reading, climbing mountains or having lunch with friends. Whatever it is for you - do it! You may think this sounds selfish, but if you are not happy and fulfilled you cannot bring joy to your lover. This brings more of who you are into the relationship with truth and love – love for yourself and for them, so they don’t have to spend so much effort trying to bring magic into your life. Be yourself, so you are actually there for someone to love.

You have so much more to offer then, particularly if you are with someone very different from you – it can open up another whole new world for them.

What Makes Your Heart Sing?

What makes you really happy? What lights up your life?

What if you could have most of what you desire?

Make a list of what is really important to you here, then score yourself out of 10 for each one – 10 being “I have everything I desire here” to 0 being “I have not fulfilled this part of me at all.”

What would you have to do to increase the score here? What would you have to let go of? What actions could you take to bring you closer to the higher number?

How would it feel if you can say to your partner, “If I feel you’re happy with your way of life, I am happy for you and I respect you.” This isn’t resignation but adaptation. “I am happy because you are happy.”

Develop the good in yourself and offer all of that. If you are in touch with your own desires, chances are that you will be in touch with the other’s, and you can choose to be happy together. It is time to sustain our relationships in satisfaction accepting the other without imposing. It’s not about “What do I have to give up for you to prove I love you?” but “What can I bring to you to enhance what we already have?”

You need to be able to say “I may not like it particularly, but I accept that this is you and who you are.” Be in allowance of the other, and if you cannot, then release them so they can be with someone who loves them for who they are. Remember, compromise is not sacrifice.

When you allow your relationship to be inclusive rather than exclusive, you can include who you both are. Leave the cage door open so the other can fly out into the world, discover what they need and come back to you. Be with each other because you choose to be, not to put a closed cage around each other.

You don’t need to set limits. Go and do what you want. When you meet together you can share your good fortune and your happiness, share satisfaction rather than frustration. Because you are meeting other people, and doing what enthrals you, you have more to contribute to the love you share.

“I become more of who I am. I choose you to be with because I am fulfilled.

I bring to you my happiness.”


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