Old Habits Die Hard

In the environment I grew up in, fear of not having enough money was always an issue. Dad used to go round turning off the lights to save electricity, he bought me a 2nd hand bike because he didn’t want to spend the extra money on a new one, he booked occasional affordable holidays rather than frequent lavish ones, he disliked expensive restaurants, he hated people who flaunted their money, he had to be admonished by my mother before he would consider upgrading his car, he worked himself into the ground and, despite his love for her, he struggled with the concept of buying her jewellery or lovely clothes.

Dad didn’t do any of this on purpose or consciously. He wasn’t a miser or small-minded or lacking in ambition. He didn’t set out to deprive any of us of anything, in fact quite the opposite. He was simply a product of the environment he grew up in. As a child raised in a degree of poverty, he saw his parents struggling with money and working relentlessly to support the family … so that’s exactly what he learned. He saw it, he learned it, it became the pattern of his life and he, and everyone around him, accepted without question that this was who he was.

Dad never had the guidance or tools to help him understand why he acted the way he did in relation to money. And because of that lack of guidance, every time a situation cropped up to make him aware of his unconscious conditioning, he got completely caught up in the drama of the event instead of recognizing what it was trying to teach him. He couldn’t see that each situation was created (by him) to make him aware of his fear of being without money. Instead he reacted automatically in the only way he knew. Ultimately this lack of self-recognition caused his demise when, confronted with the loss of his life savings, the stress of dealing with the situation lead to him developing alzheimers and his eventual death.

What most of us fail to realize or accept is that we are the ones responsible for the way our lives pan out. If there is an unconscious fear or pattern holding us back that we need to be aware of, we will automatically attract people and situations into our lives to make us aware of it. It seems cruel but actually it’s the only way we can see what we’re doing and grow into something better. Naturally, we blame life, our parents, religion and a million other things for what happens to us, but the reality is that whatever happens has been perfectly choreographed by us to set us free. So, instead of fighting ‘life’, it’s best to embrace every situation and look for the learning in it.

It wasn’t until very recently that I realized that my own pattern in relation to money was, surprise surprise, exactly the same as dad’s. After all, that’s all I saw as a child so I couldn’t have learned anything different. However, what it took me a while to recognize was that I had been fighting that pattern. As a child I hated the fact that we didn’t have a new car like the neighbours, that I didn’t have a new bike like everyone else at school, that dad always had to be pushed before he would buy us anything over and above everyday necessities. I resented this and as a result I simply refused to accept that money would ever be an issue. As I grew older I bought designer clothes, sporty cars, a lovely house, nice holidays, I did anything that would prove to me that money was always available, and yet behind every purchase was a feeling of guilt and wrong-doing.

I can see now that by fighting my own programming, I was actually creating situations which forced me to spend more and more money. And each time I did, the hidden fear of being without money - which I had learned all those years ago – reared its ugly head. Until, one day, I got it. My fear was driving everything, but it was only doing so to make me aware of its existence. It just wanted to be acknowledged. It wanted me to see that the resistance I had developed as a child was stopping me from acknowledging it. So I stopped .. finally, and acknowledged it. And in that moment the fear came to rest. It didn’t need to scream at me any more for attention.

It’s funny. The more we try to be different to our parents, the more we end up being exactly like them. The more we insist on our differences, the more we are actually at war with ourselves and the more we will attract situations and people to make us aware of how the same we really are.

It’s very tempting to believe that the way we act is who we are, particularly because it gives our lives definition and foundation, but so much of it is a false personality developed in response to or in denial of everything we were exposed to as children. Freedom comes when we stop defending that personality as if it is real and instead acknowledge the truth of who we are. Thank you dad.