Aloneness, Not Loneliness

A little girl sees a spider run across her leg and screams. She jumps onto a chair and sits in a protective huddle. The one person she wants to run to is her mother but the little girl happens to be staying with a strict uncle who tells her not to make a fuss. The person she wants most is not there.

A little boy is left with neighbours whilst his mother goes out to do some shopping. The neighbour takes him and her own son to the park so they can play on the swings. The little boy tries to be like superman and jumps off the moving swing but lands on his stomach and winds himself. Unable to breath he panics and the only person he wants to be with in the world is his mother - but she is not there.

As children, we all have situations where we feel traumatized and want to turn to our protectors, only to find that in that particular moment they can not be there to help us. Of course we get over the incident, no matter how painful, but the memory of what it felt like in that moment when we were all alone and helpless gets lodged in our memory banks and we make an instant decision that we do not want to feel that ‘aloneness’ ever again.

Decisions such as these are made constantly as children, they are natural reactions. Yet they often create new and completely unconscious ways of behavior that, if not recognized, can impact us negatively in later life.

The child who decides they never want to feel alone again may go on to surround themself with friends, become involved with a movement, get married and have a large family, regularly invite people round to dinner parties, watch lots of television – basically construct any situation which keeps their attention constantly fixed ‘outside’ and ensures that ‘aloneness’ is never felt within. This protective behavior becomes established as a habit, then it becomes a belief. The person involved has no clue why they are doing what they do. They now believe this is simply who they are, and consequently they will always justify who they are with stories that demonstrate validity.

The more ‘not-alone’ we try to feel, the more alone we actually become - suppression only empowers a situation. If we do not become aware of our aloneness, if we do not recognize the feeling when it appears and sit quietly with it, instead of automatically reacting to and fighting it, we will forever feel the very thing we are trying so hard to avoid. If we secretly fear aloneness, we can be sure that it will be playing some part in our life. Whether in a relationship or not, there will be some detachment, some inability to be completely alone and vulnerable with ourself or with our partner.

We will, as we generally do, create stories to explain why we feel this way. Life is too hard, our partner is too this or that. Yet the simple, uncomplicated truth is that we developed a protective pattern way back when and it has been playing out, unseen by us, all this time. Protection is, by its very nature, designed to protect us from pain, however, if its root is not recognized and understood, it ends up being a policy that we take into all areas of our life. And that policy ironically ends up being a comfort zone we take refuge in and fear leaving.

The answer, as always, lies with you. The next time you find yourself feeling alone or vulnerable, notice and it and let the feeling be. Instead of instantly looking for something to do or someone to meet, sit with the feeling and allow it to be what it is – a part of you. Don’t judge it, don’t push it away, don’t make up any stories to explain it, just let it be. Let the feeling of aloneness and vulnerability that you have unconsciously fought so hard to avoid be here with you. For when you finally acknowledge it and let it take its place within you, as your friend, it will come to rest and you will find peace with that aspect of yourself.

So much of our aloneness is unwittingly created by us in response to past forgotten traumas. Aloneness that has not been integrated creates a feeling of loneliness, which impacts the heart and in turn attracts more loneliness, like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yet the two are not the same - one is simply creating the other. Simply sitting with your aloneness will bring an end to the merry-go-round. It stops the ride so you can get off and move on.