Being Single

We all have perceptions when we meet other people. Yet the only reference point for our opinion is our personal experience so far in life, what we would refer to as our past. We each carry with us a personal cellular library of events and emotions which have formed the beliefs that colour our judgment. So if everything we know is based on our past, then when we look at others we are only able to see them through limited eyes. If, as may be the case, all we have ever known is pride, jealousy, greed, ego, anger, fear and assorted other negative behaviors, then that is all we are able to see in others because we know nothing else. And when we do see it, we are simply seeing a reflection of ourselves.

Our perception is therefore limited to what we know. Yet when we stop blaming others for showing us aspects of ourselves which we are uncomfortable with, and instead start looking beyond our ingrained perceptions to who that person really is, we step outside of our restricted viewpoints and begin to see others for who they actually are. We start to see and experience ways of being that we have not witnessed before. Not only does this show us that there is more to people than first meets the eye but it re-programs us to be more open, less judgmental and more compassionate. Other people help us grow. They alter our cellular library by inputting new events and new reactions. They show us new ways.

Too often we take refuge in our past. We become cynical or lazy or too hurt to want to experience new things and we shut down. We become adamant that the character we show to the world is who we really are and that nothing is going to change and we retreat into the limited shelter of our beliefs. By not venturing out we reinforce our viewpoint further because we allow nothing in that could challenge it. This hiding away becomes a habit and eventually we convince ourselves that we are just loners, or prefer a quiet life or are ‘getting on’ in years. We say what we must to justify our position and yet, deep inside, we know that we have withdrawn from life so that we can avoid feeling anything painful.

There comes a point in every single person’s life, when he or she has to recognize that being alone not only stunts growth and therefore vitality, but stunts love. Coming up with repetitive excuses as to why this partner or that partner is unsuitable is just another way of protecting ourselves from potential pain. We have to see that creating a safe haven within our world is not living. It just stops others from seeing us dying. And we all know what that feels like - deprived of a partner to interact with, to experience with, to grow with, to argue with, to make up with, to love with. It is inherent within us to share our lives, to be together, because beneath all the learned external characteristics and identities we are all the same.

There is a reason why single people are single though most won’t want to admit to it. The reason is internal, it has nothing to do with anyone else. It is nobody else’s fault, not life’s, not our parent’s, not our ex- partner’s. it is just that at some point in the past, our limited perception couldn’t see beyond itself and decided that going down a certain path or having a certain experience did not feel very comfortable or rewarding or happy … and since we grew up believing life should be a bed of roses we decided to get off that particular path.

Thereafter, our unconscious mind, our ever faithful protector and servant, did its job perfectly by reinforcing our negative beliefs, thus ensuring we stayed safely off the path.

If you’re reading this and at some level it is resonating with you, then you are recognizing that you have shut down. If that is the case then give yourself an enormous pat on the back for having the courage to see the truth. Then give yourself another enormous pat on the back for having the courage to read these words and not walk away. Your heart is still very much alive and kicking and still wants to love and it will be thanking you for your honesty. And if you’re thinking ‘what do I do now?’, the answer is you don’t need to do anything. Seeing the truth is enough to create a space for change where before there was no space. Simply acknowledging the truth is the catalyst for allowing change in your life.

Next: Aloneness, Not Loneliness